Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Monday, July 06, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
MARCH 16--A Florida man wearing an "I ♥ My Marriage" t-shirt was arrested last night for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home. Bradley Gellert, a 32-year-old financial consultant, was busted by Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office deputies and booked into jail on a felony domestic battery by strangulation charge. According to a police report, Gellert, pictured in the below mug shot, got into an argument with his wife and "screamed at the victim and threw numerous items." He then allegedly "grabbed the victim's neck and strangled her," which "prevented the victim from breathing normally." Gellert's wife subsequently fled the couple's Apollo Beach home and went to a nearby sheriff's office to report the incident. Investigators noted that the woman had been "taken to the ground by the arrestee and suffered an abrasion to her knee and red marks on her neck." The "I ♥ My Marriage" shirt was a promotional item tied to the 2008 movie "Fireproof," a Christian-themed film starring Kirk Cameron. The movie, a hit in evangelical circles, centers on a fireman's religious awakening and his simultaneous effort to save a failing marriage. "LINK"
Friday, March 13, 2009
Patrol spokeswoman Christina Martin told The Herald of Everett that the driver acknowledged trying to beat traffic by using the HOV lane.
He created his passenger by draping a rain jacket over plastic piping, topping it off with a Halloween mask of Gandalf, the "Lord of the Rings" wizard, a beard and a baseball cap.
The trooper issued a $124 ticket and confiscated the dummy. "LINK"
I was surprised that this whack-a-d0 incident didn't happen in FL. How can you go through all the effort of building your ticket to the HOV lane and then forget to to put it's seat belt on?
Click it or ticket - Click it or ticket
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Saturday, March 07, 2009
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid the following taxes:
Accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle, Ron Kirk, and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P..S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
John P. Taxpayer, Jr.
Blatantly stolen from an e-mail......
I've done some crazy things looking for the "Time of my life" and I've spent a lot more than $4.00 trying to pull it off. It's now nice to know that the local mall can satisfy my wildest dreams locked in a dark boxed loaded with strangers and for only $4.00, I'm going to sleep much better tonight.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Michael O'Leary said the airline had revived inquiries into whether the airline could install coin-operated toilets on its fleet.
"People might actually have to spend a pound to spend a penny in future," he said in a BBC interview, adding "We're always in Ryanair looking at the ways of constantly lowering the costs of air travel and making it more affordable and easier for passengers to fly with us."
Asked by the incredulous presenter what passengers would do if they found themselves without money mid-flight, O'Leary replied: "I don't think there is anybody in history that has got on board a Ryanair aircraft with less than a pound." "LINK"
As one that takes more than his share of flights I figure I'm allowed to weigh in on this. Now I'm not "That Guy" you know the one that gets a window seat but manages to make you get out of your seat 3 or 4 times so I can go to the restroom.
I have on occasion meandered my way to the the back of the plane if for no other reason that I want to make sure that I wasn't missing some cool new feature that had been recently installed into the airplanes bathroom.
Come on after you install a coin-op on the door how many flights will it take to see any return on investment? Are they going to have to install a change machine as well?
The only way I could see this plan ever making money is if they only had female passengers because they always have to go to the bathroom.
Even in a recession, bigger is still apparently better. Either that or someone at the Sahara Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas just really likes burritos. The hotel's NASCAR Cafe has begun selling a two-foot, six-pound burrito called "The Bomb." The reward for finishing the monstrous meal? "Free unlimited rides on a roller coaster that runs in both forward and reverse." Oh and a t-shirt saying, they "Conquered the Bomb."
Say what? How about letting the winner recuperate from a near-death food coma in a penthouse suite? Roller-coaster rides. Jeez.
However, we do like the t-shirts given to folks who accept the challenge but fail. They receive an extra-small pink t-shirt that says "Weenie." And they have to pay the $19.95 burrito price.
I'm a self diagnosed "foodie", (I didn't have the cash for Med School, or the grades). This thing is right up my alley. I'm managed to put an ass whooping or two on the local Taco Bell and I figure if I combine all of those experiences into one I could conquer the "Bomb" and get a cool t-shirt to boot.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
BY DOUG PHILLIPS Sun-Sentinel
Originally published 05:18 p.m., February 23, 2009
Updated 05:18 p.m., February 23, 2009
Magnets taped to the heads of captured crocodiles could keep them from returning to South Florida neighborhoods where they're not wanted, state wildlife officials said Monday.
State biologists are studying the temporary use of magnets to disrupt the internal navigation of federally and state-protected American crocodiles, which have been spotted most often in neighborhoods of Miami-Dade and Monroe counties.
"Scientists in Mexico have reported success in using magnets to break the homing cycle," said Lindsey Hord, crocodile response coordinator for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. "Read More"
Once again this further solidifies my theory that anything that's "Whack-a-do" has to originate in Florida. OK, Jim now duct tape these magnets to the side of Wally's head and besides what if the gators have little "Gator GPS" units.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Friday, February 06, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
via "Scan Gwinnett" because there's no way I'm creative enough to come with all this stuff.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Now as most know I'm not much of a football watching kind of a guy, I'd rather play, I suck but I'd rather play than watch. I do generally watch the Super Bowl if for no other reason than to see what the marketing folks think we need to be buying. In the general flow of games lasts nights was average (IMHO) until the last few minutes. Now I know all of the ravenous football fans are rolling their eyes at that last sentence. What I took away from the game was some of the statements made by Santonio Holmes.
"I said to him that I wanted to be the guy to make the plays for this team," Holmes said.
"Great players step up in big-time games to make plays."
"I dared the team," Holmes told reporters. "I came up and told Ben that I want to be the guy.
Just give me the ball, give me the chance to make plays and I will do it for you."
I don't know much about Santonio Holmes football skills but since he's a pro I'm going to guess that they are above average. What I take away from these web gems is a sense of confidence a sense of accountability. "Just give me the ball, give me the chance to make plays and I will do it for you." he's not the guy looking for someone to blame when things don't pan out he's not the guy saying "It's not my job, man" he's the guy willing to walk the walk & talk the talk. There's not a whole lot of Santonio Holmes types around but we need them. Maybe some of our countries CEO's and top level executives take their own web gems away from the game as I did.
Here's a some more of Santonio Holmes "LINK"
There will probably be one or two more serious posts this year since we still have an anniversary and a High School graduation to make it through.