Saturday, May 31, 2008

18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have

"Goose" and I are participating in the Men's Health 52 Day Challenge so in honor of that I busted out an old Men's Health column.

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.

4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork, this magazine.

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.

7. An unstamped passport.

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."

14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.

16. A secret handshake.

17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.

18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."

View From Here

Huntsville, AL
Hampton Inn #303

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Travel Tip #24

Don't stay in a hotel that has a drain between the toilet and the bathtub.
The possible reason for such a drain placement.
1) This bathroom is prone to flooding (to bad if you're in room #401)
2) At some point they figure this bathroom is going to flood (again, to bad if you're in room #401)
3) The drunk and incompetent plumber couldn't sober up long enough to place the drain in the bathtub.

Here's the previous tips "LINK"

View From Here

Nashville, TN
Spring Hill Suites #432
Lookout Mountain, GA
Holiday Inn Express #501

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Please Explain This

Travelers furious over American Airlines' plans to charge $15 fee for one checked bag
By Carol Pucci
Seattle Times travel writer

First went the free meals, pillows, blankets and peanuts. Then came the extra fees for booking over the phone, flying your pet and checking a second bag.

Now, for the first time, a major U.S. airline says it will begin charging many passengers to check even one bag, a move that's angered customers amid predictions that it will spread to other carriers and cause havoc during the peak summer-travel season.

Hit hard with record-high fuel costs and an aging, gas-guzzling fleet, American Airlines, the nation's largest carrier, said Wednesday it will begin charging some domestic economy-class passengers $15 each way for the first checked bag. "LINK"

I understand that fuel costs are increasing and I also know that what I pay for a plane ticket has increased as well over the last few years.

Butt how does paying $15.00 for a checked piece of luggage help defray the fuel cost?

I can carry my bag on and place in the nice overhead for free and not help offset the fuel cost. The bag is still on the same plane, the plane still weighs the same, the plane will still use the same amount of fuel please explain how this make sense. I am not a very smart man so I'm sure that I'm just overlooking something.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Fact Is Stranger Than Fiction

ARTMAN, Ark. - An Arkansas preteen faces a drunken driving charge after he and a friend drank his parents' beer, "got liquored up" and crashed his stepfather's pickup truck, the Johnson County sheriff said.

Sheriff Jimmy Dorney said the 12-year-old boy and his 10-year-old friend drove off in the truck May 4 to find a girl they met at a rodeo. The boys made it about 10 miles before the 12-year-old lost control of the truck.

Dorney said the truck hit and jumped over a guardrail, sending it careening 50 feet down a steep hill into a forest.


Clark James, 46, who lives down the road from the crash site, said he answered the boys' banging at his front door with shotgun in hand about 2:30 a.m.

"I opened the door and the first thing (the 12-year-old) said to me was, 'I'm drunk and I had a wreck,'" James said. "I looked at him and I thought 'You're kind of young to be out drinking. And you sure shouldn't be driving.'"

Neither boy was seriously injured in the crash.

County prosecutor Bruce Wilson said that he will charge the 12-year-old boy with drunken driving and several other misdemeanor charges in district and juvenile court in Johnson County.

Wilson said the 12-year-old could face a variety of sanctions ranging from probation, to court-mandated community service and alcohol rehabilitation, to commitment to the state Department of Human Services Division of Youth Services.

Teresa Belew, executive director of the Arkansas chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, said the 12-year-old is the youngest person she's heard of facing a drunken-driving charge in the state.

James bets that both Johnson County boys are grounded for life.

"If not, then they should be," he said.


Folks you can't make this stuff up. Where do we begin a 12 year that's drunk? A 12 year old that takes his Step-Daddy's truck? or a 12 year old that takes off after some 10 year old that he met at a rodeo? This lad has done more hard-core living in his short 12 years than I've done in my 43.
He's possibly facing alcohol rehabilitation "Hi my name's Little Timmy I'm 12 and I'm an alcoholic" This kid needs his own reality TV show.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

This Is Where Your Missing Luggage

Goes To Die.......
The "Unclaimed Baggage Center" in beautiful downtown Scottsboro, AL. We came across this place and found it to be for the most part the worlds largest garage sale. More portable DVD players and digital cameras than the local Best Buy. Half used bottles of cologne, can you say Brute by Faberge, worn shoes, suits and even underwear.
Need a new carry-on that's already scratched and banged up? Then this is the place.
All this and I didn't even make one Alabama joke.

View From Here

Talahassee, FL
Holiday Inn #432

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Kitchen Tip

In addition to sarcasm one of the things we offer are tips, simple tips such as "Never kiss a moody rhinoceros on the lips".
This tip is possibly the greatest ever. When in the kitchen have you ever gone and grabbed the aluminum foil opened the box grabbed the foil and pulled only to have the roll come flying out of the box bounce off of the counter and then roll across the floor? Yea me neither.
Well apparently look at the end of the box what do you see "Press here to lock end" get outta here. It is claimed to have been there for years but none of us have ever taken the time to notice. I call "BS" on that and believe it's something they've just recently added. Never the less push those suckers in and end your frustration.



Thanks to "NGTO" for this tip

Monday, May 12, 2008

These Kids Today

A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order.

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel. Read More

When I was a wee lad I think the worst thing any of the neighborhood kids ever did was to forge their parents signature on a test they had failed. At no time did any of us have the mental capacity to order a duplicate of Mommy or Daddy's credit card. These kids now a days are crafty.
Then to end up the day playing video games with a couple of hookers, come on even if we knew what hookers were we wouldn't have had any idea where to find them at.

Got One Of The New Fives

It seems the Fed spends more time re-designing our currency than they do printing the damn stuff. Besides would would put any time into counterfeiting fives that's what "Benjamin's" were invented for.